I Cannot Be One of Them

I cannot be one of them!

 A widow.

 Wearing a long dress all in black,  a big heavy veiled hat wearing it like a crown.

 Shuffling here and there... leaning on others too weak to stand on my own.

 Febuary 10,2022 was the last day I was a wife.

 I am a widow.

Why am I not curled in my bed with the covers over my head?

Buried in grief... the pain so deep I can’t breathe.

My life is over!! The life I knew is over. 

I look back. It was an amazing life. I was a blest wife.

Our love was rare.. We had so much care.

 One for another. He was my protector.

  We lived on a truck the country to see. Semi-retired together we’d be.

 We became like one person, inseparable. 

 How will I live without him? That chapter of my life is closed forever.

 Do I keep going over the book of our life, rereading the pages?

  Wanting what I'll never have?

  This is a new chapter in my life. I don't want it. I didn't plan for it. I hate it!

  I've put on a brave face. I look strong. I  smile, I laugh like nothing is wrong

   I joined a widows/widower group. I am NOT one of THEM!! 

  This is all I see on that group  THIS IS NOT ME 

  Why aren't my friends asking about me ?

 Why isn't anyone responding to my millions of poor pitiful me posts?

 Don’t they need to hear daily that I am sad and lost?

   I am the only one ever lost a spouse. My friends are all such louses. 

  I sit in the midst of his/her things and feel overwhelmed. I hug his recliner, 

  I hug her clothes. I can't sell her car, 

 I cry all the time, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I move on?

   Clear out the house? I’ll never part with a blouse!

   I don’t belong with them. I am NOT one of THEM!